Beach Boys "In the Back of My Mind" (1965)
In the Back of My Mind
With as many blessings as I've had in my life and so much support from family and friends, you'd think I'd be bursting with confidence. But I've often had my fears. There were many times I've felt alone. Times when I didn't think I'd do good at the things I was supposed to do. Things usually turned out well for the most part. I would fear failure, but I'd almost always succeed if I pursued something. It's just that sometimes I just didn't try to do things because I was afraid.
Good grades came relatively easy for me and my teachers liked me. I was a good kid and never made much trouble. In college I took a bit of a turn for the worse, but it was a rebellious time in the early seventies and I was not particularly thrilled with college anyway. Not that I was trouble, but scholastically speaking I was a bit lackadaisical. And I lacked focus.
Once I entered the world of work I was back to my milieu of succeeding. In the first job I actually got on my own (without my father's influence) I was immediately hired as assistant manager. I was placed in positions of trust and well-liked by the other employees. I masked my lack of confidence in my abilities and gained the confidence of those who had hired me.
That was basically my job history from then on. I almost always ended up in a management position and in the cases were I didn't it was because I had turned down management offers. I guess I should have been super confident in everything I did, but still I was scared. What if I failed? What if I got fired?
Too bad marriage and relationships aren't more like jobs. You never really know absolutely what the other person is thinking. Of course my wives didn't know everything I was thinking either I suppose. I'm a big believer in openness and good communication. But showing fear often displays weakness when it's the fear of what can happen in a relationship.
When it's over for good you can replay everything and question your actions. I reexamined every conversation I could remember, every look, every action. I don't know that many good answers can be found when it comes to thinking about things that happened in moments in the past.
What has already happened has happened. What's going to happen is going to happen. I'm only human. Certain fears will always be in the back of my mind. Let them bug me, but I can't let them rule me.
Do you often have insecurities? Have you lived a blessed life? Do you ever see yourself as somewhat neurotic?
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